


A little bit of pain, of sorrow, of love

by Turmalina



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Episode Tag: s04e08, F/M, Father + Son + Father + Matriarch, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, Missing Scene, Past Relationship(s), Spoilers, Worry: a summary, hurt and a bit of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23579746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turmalina/pseuds/Turmalina
Summary: Set during 04x08 Father + Son + Father + Matriarch. The episode trough Desi's eyes and a little missing scene between Desi and Russ' reunion with Mac and their post-briefing at War Room.
Relationships: Angus MacGyver/Desiree "Desi" Nguyen
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23





	A little bit of pain, of sorrow, of love

Worry is a troubled thing. It starts as a small pond inside your guts, weighting as something you ate and didn’t felt so good; next, is keeping you from concentrating at your duties, because all your thoughts englobe your worry, and soon enough you can’t think about anything else. It keeping weighing more than it should. It takes control of your hands (in your hips, then your hair, then your hips again, then tapping at what’s closer to you, then is fidgeting with a paperclip form the bow in front of you). In the īfinal stages, worry has also take over your breathing, air coming in and out through rapid and insufficient breaths that fail in supply you with an reasonable amount of air - which would stop you from fainting. 

***

Desi went through all those stages while standing at the War Room without Mac. It had started when Oversight entered at War Room and landing with the real bad news - Mason. Mason, who caused Charlie’s death. Desi still remembered what was like to be with Mac at those final days of Phoenix - working in a feverous way, non-stop until all strength had left him, after three or four days in a roll, taking him home (Desi didn’t trust Mac to drive his own car home, as he barely could keep his hands steady and eyes open) and start all again next morning 6 am.

Now Oversight - a man she absolutely respects but doesn’t have any kind of liking towards to - had just said Mason’s back. And that both him and Mac would go after the maniac and bring him in. Desi felt her heart tightening at those words and she tried to get Mac look at her, trying to detect his feelings. 

However, his face was expressionless, jaw clenched and eyes focused. He left the room without so much as look behind, following his father as if he hadn’t spoke to Oversight in literally months since his new-found place at Mason’s revenge plan as the real reason of the man’s son’s death. Mac left and Desi felt worry growing in her stomach. 

When they first lost sign of Mac and Oversight comms, Desi’s worry spiked. Both men were now at the middle of nowhere and without any way to communicate with them. Two million thoughts crossed her mind, starting with what the hell and ending in why am I not with Mac? I’m his overwatch! She was the one supposed to protect him, keeping him from coming home with a scratch, cut or a broken bone. Jack himself picked her up for this exact mission, and now - 

Now, where was she? Safe at the War Room while her blond genius was out there, in the line of fire. Mac was capable of taking care of himself, obviously, he was a skilled agent and had near beated her at that morning’s sparr. But he had an overwatch for a reason. So he could do his job without catching any bullets in the process. 

The arriving of the CIA’s men did nothing to ease Desi’s worry, only made it grow. What in hell are they thinking? Shutting down comms while Mac was out there, being chased by Codex, in an unlocated place, out of her or anyone’s reach, with Oversight and Mason? It wasn’t even a possibility in her mind, yet none of those CIA guys asked her opinion. At the end, it didn’t matter - she kicked the agent’s ass and left to Riley the job to find Mac. 

At this point, Desi had entered the second stage of worry. Locking her eyes at paperclip bow wasn’t something she should have done. It made her heart ache - because those paperclips meant Mac and he just wasn’t there - and she pulled a paperclip out of the bow, twisting it between her fingers. Desi would never try to do the elaborated figures Mac could create with those little pieces of wire; but holding one eased a bit of her worry. Desi almost could see Mac smiling at her, waiting to see what she could create and then helping her finishing it.

While they were dating, out of Phoenix and hanging out at Mac’s place, she would seat at the fire pit, would ask him make her animals, flowers and symbols out of paperclips, watching full of wonder Mac create them with the habitual grace and tenderness he applied to almost everything else. When they broke up, Desi left all shaped-paperclips at his house, wanting to leave, if possible, all memories of their relationship behind. 

She wanted one of them right now. 

***

As soon Russ parked their truck at the wood’s border, Desi was out of the car, gun and flashlight in hands, putting her brave face on and all instincts and training at full force. It was already night time, everything a shade darker than it should be, hiding tree branches coming out of nowhere, wild animals with big eyes blinking slowly and lost loved ones. 

“Hey, wait for me!” Russ called her, but Desi didn’t want to wait. She was so close, so close right now, to put an end on this awful and endless day; so close to find Mac, grab him e take him home, safe and sound. She wanted that night to end with pizza, having dinner with Mac at his couch, curled at his side and then falling asleep on his shoulder, covered by his light blue blanket that had his smell - like they had done a thousand times while dating. Even though they were back to dating, that specific part of their old routine hadn’t been repeated yet. Yet. 

But, for this, she needed Mac.

Desi lowered her speed so Russ could keep up with her rhythm. At first, they were just walking, high alert to all sounds and movements that catch their attention; every detail count and could be a sign, a red flare, a message. Worry was now keeping with them toe-to-toe, pushing Desi down, distracting her for her goal - she had to force her mind at all moments to keep focus at the search, instead of thinking what could have happen to Mac. Hurt? With a bullet in his stomach for playing smart? Knocked out for trying to escape? All of above? 

No. Desi couldn’t think like this. Mac was smart, he could find a way out, and, if he didn’t, she would find one for him herself. 

Then, she heard the explosion. It was Mac’s speciality, bombs and making things catch on fire. But, right now, as Desi didn’t have eyes on him to make sure Mac had caused it instead of being hurt by it, it only made worry grow. She looked at Russ and discovered that his fearless leader, with eyes startled and mouth halfway open, was concerned as she felt. That was the exact moment Desi started to run.

Run through the woods at night seemed to hold the first place at “Top 10 worst ideas” - illumination was almost non existent, the flashlight on hand only a insignificant blur, and the risks of missing something or getting a broken ankle were high. In that moment, though, nothing else could fill Desi’s mind except her furious screams of MAC! Worry had finally won and, despite being a skilled agente, soldier and fighter, she was out of breath. It could be also panic, and indeed it suited for the situation. Russ was at some point running behind her, and maybe he was screaming for Mac too. 

It didn’t matter Russ, or Oversight, or even Codex. It only matter Mac.

When the second explosion came, Desi’s heart almost stopped. The sound filled her ears until had nothing left, the light of fire (how big had been this explosion? What the hell had been exploded? Where was…) suddenly illuminating trees, leafs, and…

“Mac! Mac!”

And he indeed stood there, at the land’s border, looking at the source of the explosion - a building, maybe? - upright, alive. In a quick check-up, Desi didn’t count any bruises, or bones out of place, or cuts at the skin uncovered by cloth. Her mind couldn’t stop the new chain of thoughts invading it - he’s safe, safe, safe. At the background, Russ was asking something about the explosion, and Mac’s answer also seemed far from the roaring fire below them.

But Mac sounded off, blank again, and, as Desi managed to slow her heartbeat in a way it didn’t cause any heart attacks, something came up. She turned.

“Where’s Oversight?”

At this, Mac blinked, the blank expression being substituted by another one - hesitant, pained - and he didn’t look at her at all.

“He...uh…” Mac closed his eyes as if it was too much to bear. In a click, all made sense: the first explosion had occurred while Mac was already out of the building, if the absence of scratches or singed over him marks were any signs, which meant that, if Oversight wasn’t with his son…

Oh God.

With a glance toward Mac, Desi just opened her arms and held him as tight as possible when the blond went forward. With a hand over his back, she more felt than saw Mac tucking his head on her shoulder, pressing hard. His whole body was shaking slightly, as if the pain of loss was too much. It was. 

Desi didn't mind being in a strange position where she hugged someone bigger than her, she could only feel a deep sorrow setting on her bones for the man she loved. A small part of her jacket was now a little bit dump of Mac's tears, and this alone made her took a deep breath - she couldn’t lose it now, not now when Mac needed some strength to keep him upright. Desi knew his past - mom died, as well as his grandfather, deaths he witnessed while in Army, so recently Charlie had passed away in a traumatic way, and now the same father that left him at a young age had probably died for him (she had to yet confirm the death’s circumstances) 

It was never easy, death. But this one was almost worse. Why couldn’t the world give him a break?

Too soon, with a quiet word from Russ, Mac let go of Desi, but not completely, keeping their hands enlaced and letting her guide him to the truck waiting for them. It took longer to get back to the vehicle than she hoped, and it seemed that Desi and Russ had made a long path into the woods without noticing. Worry was a funny thing.

In an unspoken agreement, Russ took the drive's place and let the two of them occupy the back seats. Desi motioned for Mac get in first and quickly climbed after him - the compound was destroyed and any member of Codex had crossed their way, but she wasn't taking any chances - not after the day they had. 

As the truck rolled back to the road, Russ started talking in a low voice, probably with Matty on the other end, explaining they got Mac back but not Oversight. After ending the call, he kept glancing at the rearview, trying to get a look at the slumped form that was his agent, but Desi kicked subtly the back of Russ’s seat (careful not to jostle Mac) until he finally dropped and focused on the road ahead.

The sound of tires against the asphalt and wind blowing lightly against the truck’s windows went on as they entered the highway back to L.A.. Mac didn’t spoke a word, staring ahead without seeing anything or anyone, just took a seat as close as possible to Desi, pressing against her side for comfort. She didn’t miss a beat, holding him close with an arm around his shoulders, using the other hand to motion him to rest his head on her.

They remained like that, in silence, tangled arms and hands, holding on for quite some time, until Mac let out a tiny sigh. Desi look down and saw he had now his eyes closed, one more tear tracking down his face. She gently wiped the tear away, worried again how cold his skin felt against hers (she made a mental note to grab a blanket or hot coffee as soon they stopped at Phoenix) and pressed a kiss even gentler to his forehead. Desi felt Mac snuggle a bit closer, and kept holding him. 

Mac and Desi weren’t usually like this - they were agentes, bonded with fire and action and violence. They started dating because of their strange, maybe with a side of crazy, connection. Cute and fluff moments? Yes, but it rarely occurred. Sometimes, on the couch, right after they woke up in a rainy saturday morning or making coffee at one a.m. when either were dead tired but neither could fall asleep yet. Aside, their rhythm was always at full speed, faster and harder. 

Except… it wasn’t exactly healthy. And not recommended for someone who just lost a parent. Mac would need more than this messy relationship - he also deserved better. Both could work for this to turn something good, and Desi would start now. 

“I’m sorry, Mac” she whispered, just for him, “I’m sorry...I’m here, okay?”

Slowly, she held his hand and placed there a little gift - a small heart-shaped paperclip she’d made while at the War Room, earlier that day. It was a promise, loud and clear, and Mac accepted, closing his slender fingers around it and letting out another sigh. Desi rested her head against his and kept watching both the road and the blond right beside her.

**Author's Note:**

> Now the time to put the cards on the table: JAMES MACGYVER YOU SONOFABITCH YOU DIDN'T SAY "I LOVE YOU" TO YOUR SON!!!  
> This got me so mad, you have no idea.


End file.
